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Unequal sex drives

My wife and I have two differant sex drives, I want it twice a day and she wants it maybe once a week. we have two small children and I try to help out the best I can. I tell her how sexy she is and how much I love her and how much I love making love to her. But she just doesn't want to do it, if she does do it it's usually "well lets go I have to do this or I want to go to bed". And if I suggest to her something different she says 'do we have to' or 'not tonight' 'how about another night', but another night never comes.

She has no adventure with sex. If we are driving somewhere and I suggest she flash me she won't, even though we are alone and no one could see. She has never surprised me when I come home, like waiting for me naked or with a new outfit on. She refuses to satisfy my sexual fantasies, even though I offer to satisfy hers. She just lacks any sexual motivation to do anything to spice up our sex life. I have talked to her over and over and she says she 'll change but it never happens. I don't know what to do.

I love her so much ,but it kills me that she doesn't want me as much as I want her and that she cares so little for my sexual fantasies, not even to attempt them. Mind you, nothing is humiliating to her. I just want spice and fun and total sexual openness between us. We have been married 8 years and have been together 12 years. I never have cheated on her and I don't want to, but I'm at the end of my rope.

Is there anything else I can do before its to late and or the relationship is damaged beyond repair.


Ans: A lot of couples complain about unequal levels of sexual desire, so you are not alone. Problem of sexual desire or desire discrepancy cannot be evaluated or solved through mails because we have more questions than answers; For ex., since how long do you experience this discrepancy? Does she enjoy sex when she participates? How frequently or infrequently she initiates sex? Which part of sexual activity (foreplay through after play) she enjoys most? What was her past sex life like? What about her sexual self esteem? What are her feelings about your physical appearance, sex technique, communication skills, care and affection? Is she no longer interested in sex? Has the sex life become stale?

Is she suffering from a physical, medical or psychological condition? Has she been taking any prescription drugs or recreation drugs? Is she a smoker, or an alcoholic? Are there changes in her general health, say, after pregnancy and child birth? Are there any hormone changes in her body? What are the levels of stress and strain in her domestic and/or occupational duties.

Many such questions need be answered.

A sex therapist could help you identify the causes of your problem by asking these and other questions. Many of these difficulties can be overcame with only a few therapy sessions, so it is worth finding professional help.

All the best
Poosha Darbha

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